[ voice / action ] backdated to the 25th

[blessingone]

[The journal clicks on, showing the ceiling and an upward view of a sitting Fenimore from its position flat on the kitchen table. She opens her mouth to speak, but closes it and stares blankly at the chair opposite. But, after a moment, she does begin.]

We're going to forget about this when we go home. [She stops, but continues after a moment: at first, haltingly, but picking up speed until she is nearly stumbling over her words.] At least, that's what people keep saying when they come back. If they remember being here before -- and not everyone does. A lot of the time, when they return, they don't remember any of it here. And things usually go back to the way they were before, at least when they get broken, and when people disappear everything they owned goes, too, mostly. And maybe that's something that can't be changed, the forgetting, the disappearing, even if we ever find a way to deliberately leave here, and one day all of us are going to be gone from here, and --

Does any of it matter? [The words burst out of her, not exactly angry, but certainly filled with an emotion close to it. An impotent frustration, perhaps. She's looking at the journal now.] If we're not going to remember any of it, if we're not going to leave anything behind, if no one's going to remember what it is we've done, does anything we do here matter? Is there a point to trying? Is there any reason to follow dreams, or find them, or -- or should we just accept that our lives are on hold here? And if -- if there isn't -- [If there isn't anything left for her in her world....

With a soft noise of irritation, not quite a grunt, she cuts herself off and looks away.] This is stupid.

...I shouldn't have said anything. Forget it. [She hesitates, and her gaze wanders for a second before fixing on a spot away from the journal.] Someone's probably asked something like this before, anyway.

[She stares moodily towards the stove before ducking her head.] Sorry.

[Apologies are rare from her and her voice is unusually subdued. But she quickly closes the journal and, folding her arms above it, she puts her head down over it. If she knew how to delete a voice post, she would do so, but now that it's there, she will still reply.


Later, she leaves House 34 and begins to wander the village, despite the light snowfall. She does go out walking fairly often, but she's slower than usual and doesn't pay attention to the people around her. From time to time, she will stop to stare at empty places, like the river or a bench in the plaza, lost in thought.

Eventually, her winding path leads her to the unowned clothing store -- she's not in the mood to talk to a shop owner. Though she almost never wears a hat, save to keep her ears warm in the winter, she spends her time sifting through generally unseasonable hats. She doesn't try any of them on, but she picks up one or two and looks at it. Sometimes, she smiles ever so slightly, wistful and nostalgic. Sometimes, she looks melancholy and regretful. Once or twice, she has to set down the hat to rub at her eyes.

It's hard to believe she's been gone for a year.

She doesn't return with or even try on any hats. Instead, she trudges back to her house with a pair of skates dangling from her hands by the laces. Her face is carefully blank and she keeps her head down almost the entire way.]

[Fair warning: tags are liable to be slow.]

Comments

[Voice]

[notshadowfever]

You're right! Should we let the Malnosso simply have their way and use us as they wish, we'll be sent home with absolutely nothing to show for our time here! The question is, are we going to let that happen? I for one am not letting them send me home without my memory!

[Voice]

[blessingone]

[That...wasn't the reaction she was expecting, honestly. It takes her a moment to come up with a response.]

...And do you have any ideas on how to stop it from happening? [As someone without a lot in the way of abilities to deal with captors, she's kind of fatalistic about the whole thing.]

[Voice]

[notshadowfever]

Perhaps I do, and perhaps I don't! Ba ha ha! I'm hardly going to talk about it here on the journal system.

[Voice]

[shadedsunlight]

...I think it all matters. Even if none of us should really be here, even if we can't change what will happen when we leave, we're still here now. We're still living here.

Besides, who knows? Maybe things will change and we can keep our memories.

[Voice] /answers paragraphs in reverse order whoops

[blessingone]

Maybe...but I don't think we could count on it changing. [She's rather pessimistic about their chances.

She shakes her head.] That sounds like it's just...words. It's easy to say that, but...we're going to lose all of it, if things don't change.

[Voice]

[shadedsunlight]

No, which is why we need to find ways to change it.

Maybe there are just words, but it's something I believe in, something I have to believe in. I can't lose everything I have here.

[lostinmyway]

[...Well, now. That isn't the most unexpected thing she's ever opened her journal to first prize to Cecil and his screaming, but it's certainly up there.

Grune listens carefully to the entire post from her position in the flower shop. Then, quietly, she packs up the seeds she had already collected and heads home.

When she walks through the door of House 34, she calls out:] Fenimore?

[Someone is getting a hug whether they like it or not.]

[blessingone]

[She's still sitting at the kitchen table when Grune arrives. Fenimore has calmed down a little since she made it, but she still sounds a little...drained, perhaps.]

...Hey, Grune.

[lostinmyway]

[Before she says anything else, Grune pulls up another chair and then engages in the somewhat challenging maneuver known as the seated hug. Only then does she say:] I love you, Fenimore.

[This is something she should be saying more often. Because if Fenimore remembered her friends love her, then she wouldn't be sad anymore.]

[written]

[antlioncyclone]

We remember here, and so does everyone around us.

[voice]

[blessingone]

[...She doesn't feel like going for something to write with so, as much as it feels odd to do so, she'll talk to the words on the page.]

For now. But how long is that going to last? You never know when someone's going to disappear, even if it's yourself.

[voice]

[antlioncyclone]

And in our homes, people can die. Does that mean life is entirely pointless, if it always ends somehow?

[Voice]

[blessedbyfarore]

It matters if you want to stay. [Link sounds... unusually solemn, today.] I really don't wanna go back - I want to stay here with my friends. So everything that people do here matters to me.

[Voice]

[blessingone]

Even if you want to stay, it doesn't mean you can. [She hesitates -- from the sounds of things, he does want to stay. And she can sympathize with him, a little. But, even if she doesn't think she should be harsh with him, she's having trouble holding back.]

Maybe there have been people outside the barrier who have stayed here, [like the Malnosso and the Third Party, given their respective goals] but around here, there aren't that many people who have even stayed for a few years.

[Voice]

[blessedbyfarore]

That doesn't mean it'll always be like that, though, right? Some people have been here for years.

[He lets out a sigh.] I know people might get sent back any time. But I wish there was a way for everyone to stay. There's people here that even make drafts worth it.

[And for some people, returning home means death.]

[Voice 1/2]

[vulcanblazer]

[Wow. That... honestly this was something Adell had been pondering himself for a long time on and off. A question that's kind of haunted him, especially since his family...]

...Fenimore...

[Voice 2/2]

[vulcanblazer]

[Adell tries to sound more positive, but at the same time calm and reassuring.]

That's a tough question. I've wondered the same thing.... quite a bit. Wondered if none of this matters, wondered if everything I do here will have no meaning if everyone forgets when they leave.

...And I think it's a load of crap. What we do, our actions here, make a difference. To the people in the enclosure, and to everyone outside. We wouldn't be called to do the things we do if we didn't make a difference. To change the world, even if so many of us forget. Even if everyone forgets, even if there may not be anyone who remembers the significance of it all... what we do here will still be done. We'll have made an undeniable mark on this world through whatever we do, even if we leave nothing but ruins and craters behind.

It's the actions of the present that matter most. Living in the moment. Your life's only on hold if you say it is, because your actions, your memories of those actions, shape who you are. You have to forge your own memories and path, and hold onto them with everything you've got. Don't let anyone, anything try to take those from you. And if they do? You fight. With everything you have, no matter how much that is.

[He pauses, and closes his eyes.]

And even if it comes time to leave this place. ...We'll find a way to remember. I know we will. We won't let anything take what matters so much to us.

[That's not spoken with fear, or dread, or any uncertainty whatsoever. It's as close to a promise as Adell can give in this situation.

Memories. Precious memories, the very core of what can help shape a person, the very treasure Adell has sought to liberate from the Overlord. The treasure of self, identity, growth, and experience. Every day, every time he thinks of the people he cared about who vanished, every moment he's had in Luceti, good and ill... he understands more and more the significance of the Overlord's Curse.

...If he has anything to say about it, he won't let that happen here either.]

[Voice]

[unseenspy]

[Ah, music to Jay's ears.]

This is exactly why it's pointless to try to make friends or have parties, or any of that nonsense. All that really matters is finding a way home and regaining the lives that were stolen from us.

[The last few words sound exceptionally bitter.]

I, for one, would be more than happy to forget this place.

[Voice]

[blessingone]

[Fenimore takes a while to respond to him. In some ways, his feelings seem harsher than her own. In others, less so. She should be happy that someone agrees with her, but...it seems there isn't anything that will make her happy in this mood.

"Regaining the lives that were stolen from us"...she doesn't have one left to regain. But she can't blame him for feeling that way, since he does have one.]

...Does even trying to find a way home have meaning? If we can't do anything...and, even if we can, the time we spend here will be the same as if it was a few days or many years.

[Voice]

[shamelessness]

Even... even if I don't remember o-or it all goes away I think...

I think making friends and being happy is still important. This place and these people aren't fake, so... they shouldn't be treated like they are.

[Voice]

[blessingone]

You would say that. [She feels kind of bad once she says it -- Shiemi gives her the impression of being some delicate, socially speaking -- but she's having trouble holding back while she's feeling low.]

Maybe you're right. But...maybe I'm just making friends to make it more tolerable for myself while I'm here.

[voice]

[rashness]

...I dunno about all that, but the sooner I get back- ...Well I gotta go back, but no matter how it happens, I'm not going to slack on training. Shura'd kill me.

[voice]

[blessingone]

...You really don't understand what happens when people go back, do you?

[Voice] 1/2

[subsultive]

[Oh, he's thought about this too.

He's left before and come back (and every time, it feels as if it's harder to remember Luceti when he returns, but it always comes back; the people, the places, everything) and he's experienced not remembering about it when he was at home (and maybe he wouldn't have been concerned with it because he had a job to do; still does, really) and if they forget about everything when they go home for good --

He's tense before he decides to reply, voice firm - but he can't hide his discomfort. Luca is naturally an open book to anyone who'll look at him or talk to him, and his depression at the state of things shows.]

It doesn't matter if it doesn't matter. Even if none of us remember what we do here when we go home for good, we'll still have done something. The Malnosso won't bring another group of fresh faces to experiment or conscript if they're happy with whatever results they get from us, or if we somehow get them to agree to send us home. Even if we won't know it, we'll have prevented something like this happening again.

Luceti's been really good to me. [And his voice is softer, now.] I really like it here, and I like everyone I've met. I'd be sad to forget everyone, especially since I'll likely never meet them again... but I know that's the way things are. I'm not happy with it at all, and -- I like to think that, maybe, you can change your fate [and maybe nothing is dictated in your past, and maybe the people who betrayed you back then wouldn't think of it in this life, and maybe everything is your fault and you're going to fix it all because it isn't going to stay this way any longer] but unless the Malnosso know something we don't, like how to keep our memories of here, it doesn't matter. Besides, it might be for the best that we don't remember anything. Friendships or not, we still won't see those people again.

[Which hurts to think about.]

[Voice] 2/2

[subsultive]

[-- Oh, man, he's talked a lot again hasn't he?]

Um... Sorry about that. I didn't mean to ramble.